I can't seem to go through a whole day without ever thinking if I did good at something. My life seems to be perpetually revolving selfishly around recieving praise for jobs well done. But I don't want the "hey good work there" crap, I solidly want recognition for doing the best, but I constantly feel as if I'm never good at anything.
Everyday I ask myself "what am I good at?" and I just don't know, I don't know what I do good at. I used to know, I used to want to make games all my life because I was so good at video games and drawing. Then I realized I suck at most games and there are millions of better artists than me. So I thought I'd try to become a production worker in a graphics shop, but even then I'm just a second rate employee on a thin string of a paycheck. I'm not great at what I do, hell I'm not even good, I'm mediocre, I'm "knows how to do it" but not "know's what he's doing". I don't make decisions for myself unless I get someone else I know's approval first or suggestions.
I keep feeling like, I just can't do anything, I can't find what I'm good at, and I can't find what I enjoy to do. I just feel like shit 24/7 because I can't be the greatest or the favorite, I can't do anything good so I feel as if I constantly try to degrade the integrity of everything else I see that I compare to.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but this pain I feel, this worthlessness reminds me of the hole I felt in my chest when I was lonely before meeting Anita. I don't know why it has come back to haunt me, it's not love that I lack I just feel that I lack "life". I'm just... useless....
I look for approvals and suggestions as to what I should do to fill this gap in me but ironically it's because of that that I can't seem to take confidence in myself and what I do. I guess I really am just a drain on everyone.
About Me
- SailorFuzz
- Atsugi, Kanagawa, Japan
- Lets see, I'm Irish, so we'll start with that, 6'2, Green Eyes, military man with brains that aren't required. On my spare time (when I'm not working 15 hours a day) I doodle, draw and paint. I also play violin to pass the time, there's not much else to do unless I'm drinking. Ever heard of a Sailor that doesn't drink? I've seen it, they're miserable. I like alcohol on the beach, at home, in the car, just about where ever. I hate prudes, and people who are too afraid to try everything in life at least once. Gotta live, life is short, might as well see it all.
2 comments:
You're a Loop member. You automatically know that you are good at Something. Otherwise.. those guys probably wouldn't have let you in.
-Kitsune.
By the way, I think you're awesome.. That should count for something, right?
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