I want everyone to take a moment and just read what I have to say. I want everyone to sympathize with me. I want you all to say I'm great at something, I don't care what anymore.
I feel as if I'm living on bare bottom nothing and accomplishing nothing. Day after Day I go along, I want to be the best at things so people will look to me and say "He's the best" at anything. But everyday I'm simply critiqued, I make errors, I fail at accomplishing what I set out to do. I make goals for myself just to ignore them. And the thing is, I care about it all. I care what is said to me, I care if people call my work shoddy, I care if I don't dress perfectly, I care if you don't like me, I care if my artwork isn't the best, I care if you think my poetry is lame and egocentric. I really do, I even fucking care if people on a god damn internet message board don't remember my name. Because it all means one thing, I'm not the best.
And I just want to not care anymore. I want take everything in stride, but I can't. I can't just forgo doing college work correctly, or just put no thought into how well I work, or just drive endlessly to get away from it all. Even if I wanted to quit school or quit working or quit anything all I would have done is prove to myself that I can't be the best, and I care. I care so much that when I do something if it's not perfect to everyone then it's horrible to me. I want to show off everything I do just to hear that I'm doing good.
I'm sick of it, I'm sick of living up the standards I want people to judge me by. I just want to live without being responsible for everything that I do. When things go wrong I want it to be someone else fault, and when things go good I want to be mentioned.
I've, had this feeling for a while now about just falling. I don't know how to word it really but this feeling in my head of me endlessly falling through the air completely relaxed without a care in the world. I want to be that me I see in my head. I want to just fall from wherever and just let all my cares and stress sit on balcony edge away from me.
About Me
- SailorFuzz
- Atsugi, Kanagawa, Japan
- Lets see, I'm Irish, so we'll start with that, 6'2, Green Eyes, military man with brains that aren't required. On my spare time (when I'm not working 15 hours a day) I doodle, draw and paint. I also play violin to pass the time, there's not much else to do unless I'm drinking. Ever heard of a Sailor that doesn't drink? I've seen it, they're miserable. I like alcohol on the beach, at home, in the car, just about where ever. I hate prudes, and people who are too afraid to try everything in life at least once. Gotta live, life is short, might as well see it all.
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